


Don't Deserve You

by paxton1976



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Blood and Violence, M/M, Psychological Torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-13
Updated: 2016-09-13
Packaged: 2018-08-14 22:00:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8030392
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paxton1976/pseuds/paxton1976
Summary: A simple action triggers Kaneki's psychosis, signaling danger for both Kaneki and Uta.  Can Uta fulfill his promise to Kaneki?





	Don't Deserve You

It was very early in the morning. The tattooed ghoul was sitting on his stool, sewing his latest creation together. He had several new orders in the past week so he was working more than usual. His lover would keep him company while he was working. The white-haired ghoul would lounge on the couch reading his books or writing while he worked on masks. There wasn't much conversation, however he enjoyed the younger ghoul's presence.

The mask he was working on now was tiring him. The leather was very thick so he had to hand sew the pieces together. His fingers were screaming, telling him they had had enough for the day. He poked the needle into the leather and placed the mask gently on the table.

“Kaneki,” Uta said softly. The other ghoul lifted his eyes from his book and looked in his direction.

“Let's call it a night. It's been a long day and I'm tired,” he said, stretching his arms above his head. He felt a few places in his back pop, indicating he had been in one spot for too long. He clasped his hands together, stretched his arms out before him and cracked his fingers. He was replacing fasteners and clasps in the box when he heard Kaneki approach him from behind.

“You can go on up without me. I'm going to clean this mess up. I'll be up in a few,” he told the younger man. He heard the cracking of knuckles behind him, one by one very slowly. He jerked his head up and started to stand when he heard the low, menacing voice.

“What's 1000 minus 7?”

Uta bolted off his stool before the rinkaku sliced through him. He scrambled towards the stairs of the apartment. He needed to calm the other ghoul down. He should have known better than to crack his fingers. That was a sure way to trigger flashbacks in him. Kaneki's torture was engraved into his being, his soul. The raven-haired ghoul wished many times he could have done the same thing to that sick fuck, Yamori. His revenge was not to be, though. Kaneki took care of that for him, completing his slip into madness. It had taken them a long time to get the younger ghoul to this point. He had been doing extremely well considering everything he was battling. How could Uta have been such a fool? How far back would this set the young man?

Kaneki was lashing out at unseen demons. He was mumbling under his breath, things the other ghoul couldn't understand. His eyes were wide and unfocused. The insane smile was beginning to mar his features. Quiet laughter was building up within him. He stopped in the middle of the room, arched his back and thrust his hands through his hair, cackling maniacally. He jerked his head from side to side, rinkaku twitching around him.

“944....937....930....923....centipedes in my ear, in my mind....whispering to me....telling me....kill...kill....KILL!” 

Uta just watched him. The white-haired ghoul hadn't tried to attack him again, but he knew it was coming. He watched the further spiral down into insanity his lover was taking, reliving the past. He watched as the mask of the centipede slowly covered his face. He knew the kakuja would be out soon. He knew he had to make a move before that happened. It would be difficult to dodge both the young man's kagune and kakuja. 

“Kaneki, you're safe. No one is here to hurt you. It's just me. It's Uta. It's your Uta. Come back to me.” The elder ghoul spoke to him quietly as he took slow steps forward. The white-haired ghoul whipped his head towards the voice and met the other's eyes. He watched him approach with no expression on his face. 

“Put your kagune away, Kaneki. Everything is ok. I promised you I would not hurt you. I will never hurt you,” he said, pleading with the young man. The white-haired ghoul stood up, tilted his head and cracked the knuckle on his forefinger. He took a step toward the other ghoul. He tilted his head to the other side.

“916”

All four tentacles lurched forward, piercing the older ghoul's arms and legs. He felt himself being knocked backwards. His body crashed into the wall behind him, the kagune pinning him to the surface. Fighting the pain, he lifted his head and watched the white-haired ghoul approach him.

“Ken, it's ok. I'm not going to hurt you. Come back. It will be ok.” He had to get out of this. He didn't care how much Kaneki hurt him, he would not retaliate. The young man had to have someone in this world to trust. He vowed he would be that person. Even if the tormented ghoul eventually killed him, he would not hurt him.

“Ken...” 

The young ghoul looked into his eyes. A brief glimpse of recognition flashed through him and he took a step back, gripping his head with both hands. He staggered back to the middle of the room, dropping on his knees to the floor. The tentacles of his kagune retreated, wrapped around his body. The tattooed ghoul slid to the floor, breathing heavily.

“Can't hurt him, love him. Everyone hurts you. No, not true. He loves me. No one loves you. Everyone out to get you, out to hurt you, out to kill you. Not him, he loves me. All you trusted hurt you. No trusting anyone anymore! 909.”

Uta watched this internal battle with his lover. He knew it was now or never. Even though he would not hurt the younger ghoul, he needed to restrain him. He had done it before and the young man had fought him but always calmed down. He had never seen him revert this severely though. He knew he had to do something before one of them got seriously injured...or worse. It was now or never. 

The raven-haired ghoul quickly closed the distance between them, yanking the other ghoul to his feet. He looked into Kaneki's eyes. He was lost again. He wrapped his arms around the younger ghoul, trying his best to hold him. The white-haired ghoul fought against him fiercely. In his mind, he was in a life and death battle. It broke Uta's heart.

“Just hold on, Ken,” he whispered into his lover's ear. He slid his hands down the smaller ghoul's back, pressing firmly the spot where his rinkaku emerged. The rinkaku retreated into the young man's body. Kaneki began snarling viciously, his single kakugan blazing with anger and fear. He writhed against the taller ghoul, trying to break free. He dug his fingers into his captor's thighs. He plunged them deeper into the raven's flesh, feeling the tear of muscle. Uta winced at the pain, but did not release the deranged man. He had to hold on, just hold on a little longer. 

His breath was taken away when he felt the young ghoul take a chunk of flesh out of his shoulder. He pulled away slightly, watching the other chew voraciously. Blood was streaming out the corners of his mouth. He swallowed the last bit harshly and a deranged smile graced his face. His teeth were bloodstained, crimson trailing down his chin. 

“More..need more...die...or die....more...895.”

The young ghoul slammed his forehead into the taller man's mouth. The raven-haired ghoul shook the stars from his vision. He felt blood fill his mouth. He fought the urge to touch his lips and check the damage. He kept his vice grip on the white-haired ghoul. A primal scream erupted from the younger ghoul and he began to thrash about wildly. His wide eyes flashed horrifically with insanity. He resembled a caged animal. They were always the most dangerous. Uta had to end this quickly.

“Let go. Break away. Go. Kill you. Need more. Need more.. _NEED MORE!_ ” He stopped rambling to take a sharp breath. His expression fell and he cocked his head to the side. His gaze never left the others. He appeared to be listening to something. Suddenly that sickening smile crept upon his face.

“Yes,” he whispered, nodding fiercely, “888!”

He attacked the taller ghoul, repeatedly biting his upper body and tearing flesh from him. Uta lifted his head to stare at the ceiling, willing himself to take the onslaught. He could feel his blood coursing down his body. He had to stop Kaneki, but he didn't know how to without hurting the young ghoul. The smaller ghoul bit down on his shoulder again. He shoved his hand into snow white hair. He grabbed a chunk of hair and pulled the other's head back. The young ghoul was snarling, chomping at the air.

“Kaneki, I'm sorry,” he whispered as he took his other hand and shoved the young man's head against the wall. Eyes rolled into the back of his head. He slid down the wall. The raven-haired ghoul placed his hands on his waist and bent over, coughing up blood. His entire body screamed in pain. He ran a hand over his face, feeling blood and metal. His lip ring was torn and hanging by a shred of skin. He yanked it out and chucked the hoop to the floor. He bent over and picked his lover's unconscious form off the floor, lifting him into his arms. He staggered and felt himself lose balance. He slipped on the blood that pooled on the floor. He wrapped his arms around the younger ghoul and took the impact of the fall. He laid there for a few moments, catching his breath and running his bloodstained hands through the silky white hair. He gently nudged the younger ghoul off him and slowly stood up. He gathered the other man in his arms and walked gingerly to the stairs. He thought of the many things that needed to be done, but Kaneki came first.

 

He smelled the carnage before he saw it. The stench of ghoul blood and flesh. The sweet smell of human. This didn't happen unless he was starving. His eyes snapped open and he focused on his surroundings. He saw the dark figure hunched over, sitting at the end of the bed. He sat up and propped against the pillows.

“Did I fall asleep while you were working and you had to carry me to bed again?” he asked, half laughing. The other ghoul stood and turned around, walking to the side of the bed. A sob escaped the white-haired man and tears formed in his eyes. The older man was covered in blood, his body missing chunks of flesh.

“Uta...what, what happened?” The tattooed ghoul sat on the bed next to him, took his hand in his and looked away. He took a deep breath before beginning.

“I cracked my fingers. Strange thing is I knew better.”

Kaneki's mind slowly put two and two together. He jerked his hand out of his lover's and shoved himself against the bed frame. He looked at his hands. They were bloodstained. He could taste the blood in his mouth, feel leftover pieces of meat. He covered his face with his hands and wailed like a wounded animal.

“No! No, please no. I didn't do this. Did I do this?” He looked to the raven-haired man. He wanted reassurance, wanted to know he didn't do this.

“It's ok, Kaneki. I knew better,” he moved closer to the younger ghoul and reached out for him. The young man flinched away when the tattooed hand touched his knee.

“No, no, no, no. Definitely not ok. It's not ok. _DON'T TOUCH ME!_ ” He screamed as the older ghoul reached out to him again. He curled into a ball, crying and rocking his body. He was shaking all over. He had hurt the one most important to him. He wanted to die. 

“It's not your fault. That sick fuck is to blame. You're conditioned to react this way. It's not like you have a choice,” Uta said quietly. The young man didn't acknowledge him. He wondered if he had heard him. 

“Kaneki?”

The white-haired ghoul looked into his eyes. He had no emotion on his face but his eyes were full of determination.

“Kill me.”

Uta's eyes widened. His heart skipped a beat, shattered. His lover just asked this impossible from him. Emotion was wreaking havoc in his body.

“No,” he replied, voice harsh from emotion. 

“Please,” the younger man begged, “I can't live like this anymore. What if this happens again and I kill you? Please, end it.”

Uta searched his face. He saw desperation, fear, weariness. 

“You cannot ask me to do this,” he choked out, “We can work through this, Ken.”

He shook his head, white hair going everywhere. He fought when the older ghoul pulled him into his arms. He felt the tears against his back as his lover cried. He just stared straight ahead, completely numb. Why was he crying for him? He was broken, irreparable, unsalvageable. 

“I'll hurt you again,” he finally whispered. He wrapped one arm around the other's neck, running his fingers through the long, black hair. He pulled back slightly and looked at Uta's face. That beautiful face, covered in blood and scars now. He looked into the red eyes, weeping red tears.

“And I'll take it. I love you. I love you so much. I already lost you once. I won't lose you again. I can't and won't imagine life without you. Stay with me, stick it out.”

Kaneki closed his eyes, contemplating what to do. He shouldn't be allowed to live. He was a danger to everyone around him. He had lost or pushed away those that were close to him before Yamori. He only brought them pain, or worse. He had tried with Uta, but the man refused to leave him alone. He welcomed him into his home when he had no where else to go. He was there on his best days. He was there on his worst days. He was extraordinarily patient with him. He was there to help him. He knew he was being selfish in his request for death, but it was the only way he wouldn't hurt the only one there for him.

“Please.”

His eyes opened at the pleading word. He searched Uta's eyes once more and slowly nodded his head. The raven-haired ghoul roughly pulled him against him, sobs breaking loose that could no longer be contained. He showered kisses on the younger man's eyes, forehead, cheeks, lips. Kaneki hoped he had made the right decision. He wrapped his arms around his lover's neck and pressed his lips to his ear. He kissed once and whispered into Uta's ear.

“I don't deserve you.”


End file.
